Leading Well at Home
Are you a leader? I’d argue the answer is YES if you’re a parent, regardless of your title at work.
I’m traveling this week to the conclusion of a six-month Women in Leadership Coaching Intensive, hosted by Jenni Catron and Alli Worthington. Jenni is the author of The 4 Dimensions of Extraordinary Leadership and founder of 4Sight Group, while Alli is an author, speaker, podcast host and business coach. Last October, Jenni and Alli gathered together a small group of women in leadership either in ministry or business. We’ve had monthly coaching calls since October’s live event, and I’m humbled to be part of this fabulous group of women.
Leadership and the Enneagram
What I’ve learned from Jenni and Alli is that you must know and lead yourself well in order to lead others better. Self-leadership represents the foundation. Wonderful leaders need to assess their strengths and weaknesses, not just for their own success, but also to inspire others to greatness.
So how do you go about discovering your exceptional gifts and vulnerabilities? There are many personality tests from which to choose. Myers-Briggs is one of the most common assessments. Gallup’s CliftonStrengths, High5 and DISC are other popular tests, especially in the workplace. The Enneagram is unique because you can apply a biblical perspective to personality testing. It examines our most basic needs and fears and uncovers our root sin. There are nine personality types within the Enneagram.
I’ve taken the Enneagram test and am Type 1: The Principled Reformer. My basic need is to be perfect, and my fear is being “bad.” My root sin is anger because the world is so imperfect. I am principled, responsible, idealistic, ethical, thorough, and honest. However, I can also be overly critical, demanding, or serious. Being a leader at both work and home has been difficult because I hold myself (and others) to such high standards.
To transform my way of thinking, I must let go of the need for perfection and learn to admit when I’m wrong. Easier said than done, right?
What is your most basic need? Fear? Sin?
I encourage you to take the Enneagram if you haven’t already, and please share you “type” with others in the comments below.
Leading at Home
The Women in Leadership Coaching Intensive primarily appealed to me for business reasons: I wanted to improve relationships with my team members at WorthyNest and SV CPA Services. Sometimes, I have this vision that WorthyNest will be the fee-only Registered Investment Advisory firm alternate to Thrivent Financial. Fulfilling that vision will require immense leadership.
But after attending the first coaching session last October, I realized how these lessons are critical to leadership at home. And that’s why I’m sharing the lessons with you today.
In order to lead our children better, we should acknowledge our own gifts and flaws first. We must recognize our root sin and carefully observe those patterns in our kids. How are my kids supposed to deal effectively with anger when I don’t deal effectively with it myself?
I’ve let anger get the best of me too many times. Raising my voice is often my first response when the kids are misbehaving. Then they raise their voices. I raise mine again. The vicious cycle continues if I let it.
For me, the last six months have been eye-opening. I still raise my voice in frustration occasionally, but I always follow it up with an apology and explanation of how the situation could have been handled differently.
What’s your root sin? For Enneagram Type 1, it is anger.
Type 2: Pride
Type 3: Deceit
Type 4: Envy
Type 5: Greed
Type 6: Fear
Type 7: Gluttony
Type 8: Lust
Type 9: Laziness
The next time this sin surfaces in your home life, what are you going to do to combat it? How will you re-write the script?
When it comes to leading at home, create your own personal development plan by answering the following 4 questions:
1. What is going well?
2. What isn’t working well?
3. When are family members getting confused?
4. What’s missing?
Answers to number one are strengths, so optimize them. Consider implementing change for any answers to number two. Clarify areas of confusion evident from question three. Look at adding the missing ingredients from number four.
I’m all about transparency and will answer these questions as they apply to my family, offering an example as you work through the questions:
1. Things that are going well: My husband, Bryan, and I deeply care for each other and the well-being of our kids. We pray daily as a family and discuss the importance of relationships. We have a well-stocked pantry and a nice home and yard with the space for our boys to play.
2. Things that are not going well: Our three boys fight … a lot. If one boy doesn’t get his way (which happens often), he outwardly shows his disgust either physically or verbally. The boys enjoy a comfortable lifestyle but rarely show gratitude. As parents, Bryan and I need to do a better job of setting clear expectations and boundaries.
3. Areas of confusion: I’m rigid about sticking to a schedule and my husband is laid-back. This inconsistency makes it difficult to follow a routine schedule for bedtime and weekend activities.
4. Missing elements: We miss quality time as a family. Bryan and I work very hard at our jobs, and it is difficult to carve out time during the week to reconvene as a family of five. We also need to add more phrases like “job well done” or “I love how you …” when our boys are making wise decisions.
Awareness is crucial. Take the answers from this exercise and your examination of family values to create a family vision statement. The family vision should be one sentence that encapsulates all your family wants to be. You and your spouse could decide on the family vision together if you’re married, or you could include kids in the activity. This vision statement forms the foundation for family goal-setting, which I’ll cover in a later blog post.
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